I think that the power is in the principle. The principle of moving forward, as though you have the confidence to move forward, eventually gives you confidence when you look back and see what you’ve done. ~ Robert Downey Jr.
I rewrite and revise this blog from 2013 and it stated to open: “I want the focus on my direction to be different (outlook positive) – I want to look back and see what I’ve done and not just what I’ve neglected or lost (accepting limits and cherishing memories). I want my writing to go somewhere and mean something more. I want my life and my writing journey to encompass all these principles in a confident manner. I write this while I am feeling control and lucidity and not overwrought with my inevitable emotions. Why? I guess I just want to prove to myself that in me exists the ability and strength to continue, no matter what – move forward.”
At that time I was accepting that my life as it was would never be the same. But even in that change that hurt so bad, I could still reason that there was hope for a good life; even a better life. People say things will get better and time is the factor. Things happen and we question their relevance (the what), we question their timing (why now), we question their reason (just why) and, in dealing, we look to those things that are supposed to give us comfort. If they are what we hold dear, we expect they will provide some kind of comfort; but even so, they cannot give us answers we may seek. At that moment in time, I found it almost impossible to verbalize what it was I wanted to say for I knew in my heart the answers were not there. And now again, I question why all the while knowing that it’s life and that it is inevitable. It sucks, but it happens. Finality is hard to deal with…
The reality of life is that we eventually die. You don’t have to believe in anything big and ominous, or unknown, to know this is the direction of our path upon this earth. Belief in faith of a hereafter does not diminish the finality of death. It might ease the passing to think you are going to something better, but it does not lessen the grief within those souls left behind. My mom believed in God and was incensed by my declaration of being an atheist. She wished I would believe; she prayed I would believe. I believe I am safe in who I am because of her prayers. I truly believe there is something bigger than all of us, but I tend to stick to the natural elements knowing that what we have can all disappear in an instant due to our over indulgence.
I trusted my mom and although we did not always agree, her acceptance of me as I was is something I will always hold dear. I know she didn’t like some of my choices (what parent agrees with them all???), but in the last few years before her death we both grew as people – we accepted each other as we were.
I face the same situation today as we move out of an extremely difficult year. Although I cannot write the same way about my dad, I miss him and will feel the loss at different times and in different ways. With his death I feel the loss of my mother all over again. I feel the loss of both of them – the realization that I don’t have parents to share milestones with or let know I’ll be out of town or help out when they call. Life will be different. Life will move on. I begin to question my own mortality knowing that death is inevitable. I must call to me those things that bring me comfort; spend time with those people who bring me happiness; focus on the positive with hope…
I write because I must. I write because I believe in the power of the written word. In my words I will find strength, I have confidence, and I have the will to move forward. Sometimes… I might just cover my head and cocoon, but don’t worry – I’ll be back soon.