Smoke, Heat & Memories

The day has me distracted. I try to remain focused on my job and the work I need to do. It has nothing to do with being Monday. It’s not because I had a tiresome weekend nor am fatigued or overly pained. It is not because I am eager to get back to the work on my company projects. It’s not because I have an upcoming trip planned and am looking forward to hitting the road. It is merely to do with the date and something I have in mind that I need to write. It’s a good feeling – that need to write, and even if the thought that started this is internally sad it is not a sorrowful post. Quite the contrary, and I always give in to the urges when they are this strong.

This past weekend was marked by a special event – the marriage of two wonderful people who I am proud to call friends. They both looked amazing and the ceremony was inspiring despite the heat and smoke – it was an outdoor wedding so both elements played a significant role in comfort. Even bringing the party into the shelter of the nearby community hall for the reception didn’t reduce the sweat factor. I am sure everyone dropped a few pounds that day…

Robyn and Joe

I am happy to have a beautiful event mark this weekend in my memories. It is not that new events ever mask or replace old memories that might have marked the days, but it is nice to have rejuvenation to the ones that marred the memory banks. July 13th, 3 years ago, was a day congested with heat and smoke in the air – I won’t forget it. It was a day I found out something that changed lives forever. Changes, whether good or bad, have an effect on one’s life journey. Sometimes it means you go it alone. Other times, it means you have someone to share it.

Best of luck and lots of love on your life’s journey – Robyn and Joe – July 11, 2015

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Birds of Spring

Preface:

The love for spring and birds and all things beautiful prompted me to write this – the robin started it all and the progression to put the words to page ended up including thoughts about my mom. Both of us are spring babies and the appreciation she had for nature inspired me to follow paths where the wild things live. I am not brave. I fear death. Yet in my own way, I am an explorer and an adventurous soul. I am not sad. I am merely reflecting on beautiful thoughts that still bring tears.

*****

RobinWe sat on the back deck under the umbrella and chatted. We cradled ceramic mugs adorned with images of birds. The hot tea warmed us and cool spring breezes washed over us like whispered conversation. We had grown comfortable with the sporadic comments and the pleasurable silence that punctuated our early Saturday morning visit. The sun was still to our right but would soon be to our backs as we sat in shade of the house. Bundled in large knit sweaters, we settled back in the canvas chairs, sipping green tea and warming our hands. Overhead, crisscrossing jet trails cut the wild blue yonder into slices of pie.

“Why do they have to mess up the beautiful sky?” she would ask. We always looked up watching for birds and small planes and whatever else the countryside might offer. I knew she loved the view from the deck at the back of her house. The jet trails were something we always noticed and talked about. It was something we often speculated about – was it weather related air current type stuff, or was it a conspiracy to create cloud when there was none, or was it just because it was what jets do at a high altitude. Whatever the reason, it would come to be my way of knowing she was always with me – perhaps, even her way of showing support wherever I might be and whatever I might be doing. The jet contrails and the birds of spring, both beautiful and meaningful in their own way, are a necessary part of how I was able to move forward without her.

Because of her love for nature and her little house in the country, I began to take more notice of those things around me that drew me to her. Yellow eyed daisies growing in white waves always remind me of her, because they grew wild in her yard and as the years went by there were more and more of them. I see every full moon and remember her calls to me, “Did you see the moon?” I watch for the geese and their return to the northern climes after a long migration. Then in the fall when they coo and swoop in large masses collecting their formations way up high amongst the clouds, I regret their leaving just as I regret hers.

Winter was beginning to be unbearable and the worry about her living alone is one thing that weighed as heavy as the snow on her little roof. She did not relish moving into the Park to be closer to the civilized world; it was not in her destiny to move into any kind of senior’s residence, either. The fates took care of that concern, although I would have shoveled her driveway forever and took care of her when the time came. It didn’t come, though. Her journey was not with that kind of finish.

This year I noticed the robins more and their activity around me. It seems there a few around who accompany me on my day. One makes its home in the eaves above my apartment window and you can hear it singing in the still early morning. One stopped for a picture on a post outside my cabin window while I was in Jasper and another hopped up to the truck for a picture while I sat in the parking lot at Miette Hot Springs. Yet another hopped closer and closer while I loaded the truck with books this past weekend.

Everyone deals with loss in different ways. Recognizing the little things we used to talk about and remembering the things she loved is how I am able to move forward. Writing these words helps, too – as I am able now to express them from my heart without pain tearing into them before I even have a chance to put them to the page. The test would be to read them out loud – although I am sure I could attempt it, one never knows how one’s emotions are going to interfere at any given time. The wound is deep and will never going to go away, but it is healed over, protected from outside exposure.

*****

“Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly.” ~ Langston Hughes

 

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Introspective Perspective

Random thoughts while driving…

The meeting was set for 1:00 pm on Saturday in the quaint coffee house, Pebble Ridge, in Rocky Mountain House. My new author is from Red Deer and it would be a short drive west for him to finally meet to discuss his book project.

I started out from home at 8:00 am, filled the tank, and got a cold drink to go. I couldn’t understand why I was so thirsty so early, but realized it might have been the consumption of wine the evening before… Rested and raring to go, it was easy to rise and pack and hit the road early. Although another route was more direct, I chose the longer way to enjoy the journey. It’s not always about the destination – although that can be important – how you get there, too, makes all the difference sometimes. For one – heading west always feels right and, for two, taking the Cowboy Trail is a good choice because it feels right, too. I’ve been this way before a few times lately (highway 16 west to highway 22 south), but I love the drive – the feel of it relaxes me and sets my mind free of city encumbrances. Driving alone, however, is open game for thinking – good and bad. If I don’t want to think, I play music to drown out the persistent voices, the constant thoughts, the never ending discussion between the realist and the dreamer. The radio station fades away and I play the soundtrack from Cavalia or Maroon 5.

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A robin poses for a close up shot.

A bumblebee buzzes around the windows looking for in or through or whatever. Sunshine sits in the Miette Hot Springs parking lot looking like a big yellow flower in a meadow of concrete – tasty temptation for the timid little bee. I roll my driver’s side window up and two seconds later it attempts to say a closer hello. A robin hops nearby on the pathway along the trees, and I mega zoom in on it – magnifying its feathers and bright eyed curiosity. I sit contemplating my move. I remain there for about an hour, reading, calming frazzled nerves that poke in and out of the relaxing peace. I cannot explain the diametrically opposed pieces of my mind. Happy. Sad. Inspired. Depressed. Peaceful. Anxious. The parking lot fills up – it’s time to move on.

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I could see the same view day after day and it would still humble me, overwhelm me with its magnificence.

When I drive the mountain roads I cannot believe the feelings that wash over me. I often wonder if those people who speed by in fast cars, neglecting the stop at look outs, ignoring points of interest, not even slowing down to enjoy the wildlife – I wonder, if they ever feel the emotion I do in the mountains. Perhaps, they did the trip before and it’s no big thing. Perhaps, they are too focused on the end point to notice the points of interest along the way. My emotions run the gamut – my mind stops, starts, and suspends itself in the magnificence of my surroundings. I am soothed by its beauty, overwhelmed and humbled by its magnitude. I cry at the thought of leaving this world and never seeing such beauty again. Then, I admonish myself for silliness and return to revel in the moment.

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Distant waterfall cascades down the mountain.

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An eagle flies o’er mountain high…

At a roadside turnout, high above the river below, I stop along the guardrail to take in the vast panorama. Mountains with snow covered peaks, shimmering shale rocks, greenery of all shades. A distant waterfall cascades down the mountainside. The telephoto lens brings the river from the valley floor and the highest shimmering rock face to me as if in reach. Out of the corner of my eye I see it – circling, circling, circling… Soaring on upper air currents, the large bird covers the sky in wide spread wings, so high it is even a speck in my lens. I am not sure of the species of raptor, but the bird is magnificent. The words to the sound about love lifting us up, come to mind and ring in my head, prompting tears to spring to my eyes, again.

The trip wasn’t totally about doing everything I love, but it encompassed some of the ‘musts’. I already mentioned the Highway 22 South route – well, 11 West is a dream and being in Rocky Mountain House with a free night ahead of me meant I couldn’t pass up the chance to see things I love and traverse the route with such beauty. My travels now include limits, however. Due to health issues, there are limits I never had to consider before, but there they are, forefront in planning and executing events. Accepting I have limitations both angers and frustrates me. In moments of appreciation, I think of all the things I’ve done and all the things I still can do. I digress and say thanks – at peace with the body’s changes. With those thoughts, I decided I would explore some different things/places amongst the wonderfully familiar, while taking time to clear my head and rest my back and knees.

For the most part, driving is easy until I log too many hours in the Sunshine saddle – then the back begins to remind me of its chronic pain. I need to stretch and walk a bit to loosen up the muscles and work the knees. Refreshing road weary eyes is always a good thing, too. My stops are frequent because of the awe I feel – lots of pictures return home with me – but, I temper my attempt at each stop depending upon my ability. Many times, I am the best darned truck window photographer! Since I stopped at Athabasca Falls last year on the reverse trip, I decided I would stop at Sunwapta Falls this time. However, I couldn’t proceed past the parking lot because, although only a .1 km hike to the vantage points overlooking the water, all of the pathway is a downhill grade and that is a no-no for the knees. Acceptance of limitation. I listened to the roar of the water rushing below, thankful for my sense of hearing and sight.

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A decision to stop for the day to rest weary bones offered me opportunity to stay in a place I never stayed before… another new experience.

The need to keep in motion produces undesirable effects. The conundrum being more movement = activity = weight loss, but more movement = pain = exasperation! The pills I am on to manage pain help with numbing it so I can sleep and I don’t get overtired, sometimes. Depending on the activity (and the weather) my pain is what it is – constant. At times, it is excruciating, forcing me to just take things easy. Doctor’s orders are movement, keep active, but my body’s response is anything but accommodating. I most likely will need double knee replacement surgery, but the weight loss is a must in order to proceed in that direction. The weekend needed to be modified with extended rest to recover bothersome knee pain. The prior long weekend retreat tired me out – 2nd floor rooms in a lodge meant stairs multiple times per day. I mentioned this concern to my doctor on a previous visit. I took it very slow. Writing, yes. Stair master, no.

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6th Bridge – the sounds of birds and rushing water soothed. When the small parking filled, I escaped with pictures to remember it by.

It was exciting to travel familiar roads, but also intriguing to discover new ones. I took some time to discover 6th Bridge where I sat for some time reading. I took some pictures of the water and the bridge, then vacated when it started to get busy. Bikers, hikers, and other sightseers. The road to Miette Hot Springs was awesome – winding, curving, bordered by cliffs, rises, and lots of trees. It took me deeper into the back country. Again, I parked and listened to the birds, did some reading, and took pictures. As before, I backtracked and headed to the highway and proceeded east on 16. East is not good. It means leaving behind something as profound as the images of the Rockies in my mirror that soon fade from sight. My mood soured despite respite in the glorious mountains. How can one feel so inflated, yet depressed? So inspired, yet so empty? So determined to do better with renewed vigor – all the while, feeling overwhelmed with all that lays ahead… Prospects and potential paralyze – how can that be?

The comfort I take in all of this is my ability to see the beauty, appreciate the wonder, realize the potential for danger or recognize opportunity, and even laugh at myself with good humor, as necessary. The feelings described above hit me every time I leave the mountains to return home, leaving me to wonder why I never moved there if such a connection rips my very soul by their separation from my view. I concede – I was fearless in my youth and have become jaded in my aging even though I would certainly consider the move – looking around the little cabin I rented I surmised – “I could live here.”

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Amazing colors… there’s probably shiny things and a squirrel in there, too ;)

So to end this blog about perspective and its inward retrospection while getting away – I leave you with a tip while driving throughout the Alberta countryside. Be aware that if Main Street is blocked off in Small Town, Alberta – and there are people pulling lawn chairs to the curb side – it could mean there is a celebration you are not privy to. I wondered why that little girl waved to me… All I could think was how lucky I was I had such a beautiful, bright truck! Sunshine was in her glory parading by the locals… oh, look, what a beautiful tree!

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So wrapped up in words, none can escape…

Call the papers! There is a new blog post here on Wildhorse 33 … or perhaps, call the doctor, there’s been a breakthrough.

Of course, I am an extreme exaggerator and don’t need any announcement or help in any way. There was never a doubt that I’d be back to write – there was just speculation on when and the offering of excuses as to why I wasn’t here prior to now. I started out the year with a bang by posting most of the first month, having taken on the photo-blog challenge; however, I backed away since then. When I get caught up in my work as publisher I am driven by the need to complete jobs, while having to continue to solicit new business in order to grow; take on sudden jobs to bring in revenue; continue to work on ongoing projects. The old ways come to the forefront – my own work takes a backseat while I am trying to stay caught up, get caught up, or remain above water. Treading and dreading the outcomes. Overwhelmed with all that is going on around me and taken to withdrawal of words. My own words are necessary for the growth of my own creativity. I grow in skill and ability through the creativity of others – I relish their words and appreciate the opportunity to support and promote diversity.

Me. Mine. I – wait. It will come. I look forward to a writer’s retreat this upcoming long weekend and will commit to my own words and works for 3 full days! This little blog is just a way of stepping out, one step at a time, toward that bigger release. I welcome the escape. In the meantime, I work diligently to get more projects off the ground, crafting the wings on which they may fly.

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Photo Blog Challenge Wrap Up

January 2015 – 30 Day Photo Blog Challenge Wrap Up

So it is now going on into the early morning hours of February 1st and I am contemplating the grand finale for this challenge. I found that trying to focus on my own work allowed me a chance to express a little bit of suppressed creativity. I love my words. I love my camera. And to combine them into compositions in answer to the prompts in whatever manner happened was worth the time invested. I found as I went along, the challenge was something that I love do anyway – I am always watching for that perfect shot, that one time chance, that image that evokes a feeling and can be related by words, as well. Although this is a “wrap up” there will be no real end to this for me as it is as natural and as inevitable as sun rise. There are a few prompts on the list that I will admit to passing over, either because they deluded me in attempt or they didn’t spark an interest. Prompts are like that – they either “speak” to you or they are silent. I like to think that I can respond to anything, and I guess I can if I don’t really care what I “say” – however, I enjoyed the posts that happened when least expected. It’s like the moments in life that you either catch on “film” or you commit to eternal memory. So I always look up to the sky for inspiration and light or down to the ground for that unusual shadow or circumstance. I think as I go and realize an offering when it is handed to me. Like spaghetti falling onto the counter, tempting a game of pickup sticks. Synchronicity at work is the greatest compliment to my creative impulse.

Day 26 – Close Up Blog - Jan 26 - image close up>>> The rocks lie below and if you don’t pay attention to them, take a look next time. What do you see? Perhaps, it is just a haphazard arrangement of sizes and colors with no apparent pattern? Do you question the missing spots and wonder if you’ve “left no stone unturned” in your evaluation? Or is it just there, tempting those who might glance down to see something in what is apparently nothing more than a rock gravel parking lot… Interpretation is, after all, up to you and your muse.

Day 25 – Strangers >>> have nothing of note for this prompt so I pass on this one. I have mentioned before that I am not a portrait photographer and think less of imposing upon others around me. I am okay with people watching in order to study habits and characteristics for my writing, but taking pictures of people without their permission would be just creepy. That would be how you would interpret this as “strangers” the noun. Pass.

Horses

Day 24 – Animal >>> Well we all know where this might go given the opportunity… which happened to present itself on a recent drive. Horses will always warrant a stop along the road. It brings back April memories of seeking the wild horses that run west of Sundre.

But, if I keep close to home, the little pest that is poking at my leg to pet him is always around even though he might not be the most willing photo participant at times. He is quick and takes to looking away just as you click the pic. I am going to wrap up Day 20 – In My Bag – by saying that if I had it open on the floor like this box, I can tell you I would have a cat in the bag right quick. So, although I did not really fulfill the Day 20 prompt as best as I think I could, it is another one that gets a pass. So here’s my animal… Squishy in a box ready to ship off. Any takers?Squish

That only leaves Day 21 – Faceless Self Portrait and Day 30 Self Portrait… really nothing has changed enough from Day 1 to insert any other self-portrait here. I embrace creativity, yet have specific things I stay away from – particularly me in a photo. The Day 1 photo was one of those – ah ha moments – it was there on a day out to Elk Island Park and was something to recognize in the moment. It spoke to the challenge and to me and to what I would attempt to accomplish. It really addressed Day 21 as well because with that camera up in front you are, in essence, faceless. What I am going to finish up with, however, is my beautiful Sunshine – it usually makes it into all my photo days because without it I wouldn’t be traipsing all over snow-covered back country roads. The truck is a blessing and has helped to fulfill many adventures already. Memories that will stay with me forever; and isn’t that what life’s all about. This challenge has given me some great opportunity to share, to explore, to create… and for that I am truly thankful.

Sunshine makes winter tolerable

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January 29 – Black and White on the 30th

Day 29 (Black and White) and Day 28 (Flowers) combined nicely to blend a blog themed by contrast.

Black and white depicts a simple contrast in composition. The opposite components often represent extremes with no in between. This is not always true of concepts because it isn’t always as easy as “black or white.” Grey areas complicate the process and produce context for confusion. Thanks to the computer art programs we can use to alter photographic images, black and white is just a click away. I was happy with how this one turned out with that easy conversion!

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Against the sky:

The air was still and the sky had a washed out tone that blended with the snow at the distant horizon. When the windmill was still and there was no bird song or rustling of trees, it was one of those days I called ‘black and white.’ Barren branches extended upward as if pleading with the heavens for sunshine.


In complete opposition to the above is this image of brilliant colors highlighted by caressing sunlight and brilliant blue blushed snow. The opposite of white in this composition is the vibrant pink and it says more than just extremes, it says depth and emotion and compassion.

Blog - Jan 28 - image flowers Against the ground:

The air was crisp and the sky had a brilliant shine that sharpened all the pieces of the nearby earth covered snow. When the wind moved through the trees there was a distant song of wind chimes. It was one of those magnificent days I called vibrant. Full blooms extended upward as if thanking the heavens for sunshine.


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Too soon for a Celebration…

I am posting this in celebration of my attempt to complete this 30-day challenge – how’s that for stretching it! But, really, I do celebrate “sunshine” in many ways and pay tribute to the sun and its many creative aspects. I used it to silhouette, highlight, shadow, brighten, distort, cause to shine… and on and on…

Day 27 of the Challenge = Celebration 

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You just have to click on the pic to see it in a bigger size :)

Oh, yes… and the day is what you make it, but so is sundown.

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Oh, ya… PRESSURE

Nothing like a little bit of pressure to get you motivated. Why is it that pushing up against a deadline, self-imposed or otherwise, sparks a need to produce? I should be going to bed now and trying to get some sleep (last night did not fare well in that category)… It’s not that I lack desire, passion, or inspiration. Creativity is abound – I am reek with it (lol… is that what that smells like…) I thought for a little break from the challenge I would look up something that might not have been posted just for comic relief. I found the following in “My Writing” file on the lap top and promptly began to read since it was exactly one year to date that I wrote it. I know that I am possessed by the same routine ink demons who dry up every once in a while only to resurface in a coagulation of words on the page. Eventually, I pull it all together. I just have to wait it out sometimes, all the while making little sense to anyone but myself. Unless, of course, you are a writer – then you might find this amusing, interesting, or slightly disturbed.


Dream – Awakening on January 29th 2014

There was a room where we (not sure all who was there) but a group of people coming in as if to meet. There was a door with a light switch to the right of it, an ornate looking carving with the mechanism for turning the light on and off in the centre of it. I remember commenting about how cool it was, liking it for the different look, but adjusting it allowed a whole panel of switches and choices to open up beside it. It took away from the ornate look and added a functional panel. I remember there being an adjustment for the lighting in the room, which was off to the left past a small alcove where this panel now was – I don’t know why I was in this room, but it just occurred to me as I write that this was the ending of the dream as I was leaving somewhere with bags of stuff and my cat(?) who actually came to me without chase. Back to the panel. There was an adjustment for lights in the room with a “health or illness” setting so you could brighten or dim the lights as required depending upon the use of the room.

I remember others crowding around to view the panel and poking at the functions, changing things rapidly and without reason. Just for fun. There was an opening at the top of the wall, almost like the wall didn’t meet the ceiling. I felt warm air, like a breath exhaled. I commented on it. Then I say a big hand at the top of the wall, its big fingers with long, pointed nails curled over the top of the wall panel.

Screaming ensued as there was now an opening that led behind the wall compartment. The creature (a very large man) attacked a woman. Someone said it was their aunt, don’t know whose. I remember a friend’s girlfriend was attacked, but she came running out, alive (Robin?). The large man then came out carrying the “aunt” on a rack like carrier, saying, “now I have to walk with the dead,” or something to that effect. He came back and approached me – I was not fearful of him, he knelt before me and I caressed the sides of his face, concerned for the reasons he might have had to become a murderer, why he lived behind the wall, and how the use of the panel perturbed him to the point of discovery and destruction.


WELL, that was different! Being a visual person, this dream really stood out and the intensity of the emotions was real. I am not sure what it means, or if, in fact, it means anything. Often I look for patterns in things that might not otherwise reflect a necessary order. I am consumed by my desire to take on more and more, yet continue to become overwhelmed and blocked up, awaiting the creative purge. It must be this pattern in me that is inevitably inspirational. So happy for the yellow pills. They make everything just a little less alarming.

So you might have noticed I threw in Day 22 (Inspirational) and Day 23 (Patterns) without even a warning. I will follow-up with some awesome pictures from last weekend – I am intrigued by the rhythm of nature.

Air currents create patterns in clouds as they streak across a soft blue winter sky.

Air currents create patterns in clouds as they streak across a soft blue winter sky.

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A fluffy cotton ball texture dots the AB blue sky.

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The most amazing inspiration in nature – sunset filtered through a frosty January sky.

 

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Taking it to Day 19… Blog-Photo Challenge

Day 15 - 19 collage blog image 1I am standing in a valley surrounded by large hills and rocks and precipices that tower above, stretching into the darkening evening sky. As the sky changes from brilliant yellow and red and pink, finally fading to indigo, the silhouettes become almost eerie as I continue to take note of my immediate path with a cautious eye to the journey ahead. Even in the darkness there is light and it is a good habit to always try to look for the positive in any situation. I feel overwhelmed, a minute speck in a desert of sand… part of the bigger picture yet so insignificant on my own. I cannot call out – the row of wind turbine sentinels drowns out my voice, and even with all the advances in technology, there is no reception in that low-lying spot. Besides, who would I call to come into my deepest fears with me? I attempt to reason why I find myself alone here staring up into the astronomical abyss…

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At times, this is how I feel when it comes to dealing with everything that goes on around me. My desire is to just write and create and yet when I get Day 15 - 19 collage blog image 5stuck in this valley it is hard to focus on my own words. By taking on too much, I make things so complicated that it’s hard at times for me to fill my own shoes.

So I withdraw and I hide. The confusion manifests itself as physical pain and then the climb out is even more difficult – it’s not only mentally and emotionally taxing, it is physically exhausting.

 

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The golden dream in the dark valley is the reason I push myself. There is something I want and only by working toward it, never giving up, and always dreaming… do I stand a chance of achieving it. I seek it. I reach for it and use it for leverage when I need a hand. Don’t ask what it is because it is hard to pinpoint exactly – it could be happiness, it could be leadership, it could be my passion, it could even be love. It’s not a thing – it’s a state of being.

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The day is what you make it – in a valley or on a peak… dream it. Do it. 

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30 Day Photo-Word-Blog Challenge: continued…

Day 15 main image

 

30-Day Challenge

Day 15… Silhouette

I love to watch from my fourth floor apartment window as the sun slides past the horizon for another day. Its progression is slow, at first, with a bright show of rainbow colors bursting at the edges of the distant rooftops. The upper expanse of deep blue is amazing as it stretches into the great beyond. Then, as it always does at this time of year, the day disappears in short time leaving us to late afternoon darkness. The orange pop of streetlights against the darkening sky is a cool contrast.

Day 15 slide show image


30-Day Challenge 

Day 16… A Good Habit 

Day 16 - A Good Habit image

Just click on the images to see them larger in a separate tab.

Thank you for visiting my blog and leaving your likes and/or comments.

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