What I did vs what I didn’t do – the conflict

I decided to look for a topic of interest earlier today so that my post wasn’t some last minute drivel about how tired I was or how taken with other things I neglected to sit down to write early enough. BUT, I am tired. A three-day work week and I’m exhausted and ready to go home for a nap. For a Friday, this day is dragging…

So in my attempt to compose something a little more writer-ly, I perused the draft folder left here in my blog archives to see if some words rang true that I could edit, revise, revisit, or use as a basis for the rest. Found the following:

“Lately, there seems to be an eternal rift within that rages the extremes between emotional overload and vacantly despondent. The internal vs external both have the flight or fight survival energies commanding they do something and do nothing. Is it no wonder the body responds with illness in a defense mechanism that forces you to realize what you are doing is unhealthy, not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually, as well. If time and resources allowed, this would be the time I would listen to what my muse would advises: “you need to run – getaway – just go…” But, alas, reality takes hold and because of all I have to do there is an overpowering sense of responsibility forcing me to face my muse square on. I retort in defense: “as much as that thought grabs the very center of my being and appeals to the Aries side of me, so does the need to fill my obligations, no matter the detriment to me.”
“Just like Walter de la Mare’s “if wishes were horses…” then, too, my thoughts would be actions and I could ride off into the sunset of success. Heading into this week back to work on Wednesday, I disdainfully reviewed the past long, long weekend to mentally note (or un-note) my accomplishments. It seems the more time I have, the less I find time to do. Or is it that, the more time I have the more time I think I have to waste. After a sound berating and repeated kicks to my own butt (do you know how hard that is on a sore knee?) I let myself go with a firm warning. Wednesday proved fruitful and some little things were cleared up as I finally stopped by my publishing office (2 weeks later because of knee vs stairs). It’s just so much easier to get into the work frame of mind when in the right setting. However, I might add, the to-do list seems to be getting longer instead of shorter and it could become its own novel very shortly – To do or not to do.”
“The one thing I know for sure is I miss my writing. It’s a vicious circle when too busy and can’t spend time on what you really want to write, yet know you are doing what you need to in all the other components of the writing life. It makes me ill, until I just have to forgo all other things to write and purge and drain the festering ill that wells within… eww, reminds me of a recent post by writing pal Mandy Eve-Barnett.”

Even with so much and how it’s changed, everything remains the same. Recent events and situations mirror the above in eerie likeness that I know I have not progressed any great distance. I believe the date on this archive was sometime in 2013 and I was feeling much the same as now dealing then with the passing of my dear mother in November 2012. Having lost my dad in November 2017 – 5 years later, the hurt still resounds within and is coated with additional loss. I miss my mom. I’ll miss my dad. I miss my writing. And the vicious circle spins. It’s called life, but it still doesn’t make it any easier.

I am applauding the small changes. Crossing things off that infamous to-do list are major  victories. Saying “no” once in a while is a positive move. Spending more time interacting with others is good. I don’t want to live in the past hurts. I need to let myself feel happiness and not feel bad that I am here and others are not.

As we move forward into 2018, I will speak less and less on this topic because it is something I truly need to change. I need to develop a healthy attitude toward my own destiny and work on my health and happiness. The knee pain is not going away. My body aches. My parents aren’t coming back. There will be more losses over time. I must pull to me all that makes me who I am and all that fuels my spirit with satisfaction and happiness: my daughter, my friends/siblings, my creativity, my writing, my publishing, my job.

All the best in 2018.

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One thought on “What I did vs what I didn’t do – the conflict

  1. Life is never a smooth road – we just need to enjoy the good stuff and relegate the bad stuff to a corner, where we occasionally sit to reflect, ponder and take stock.
    It is a mind-set to find the good, the love, the laughter.

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