Prologue: I post this to oil the dry pen… nothing more than to put something concrete to paper to jump-start the stalled engine. This piece entitled “I am struggling…” was sitting on my desk top, with the pictures, yet unfinished and abandoned, written in the time after seeking counsel for my ill feelings. I realize, for the most part, my depression was (and is) because I was not being true to my own creative spirit. I need to do my will yet am bound to the promises I make in other areas of my life. The line about dreaming of other places and times holds truth and it is the ungrounded reality speaking. The choice of running away, freeing my soul, just being me… well, that’s a dream harnessed by responsibility and commitment. The time between then and now has elapsed and more promises were made, however, today… I feel as if I wrote this right in the now and the pull of the spiral twists me in and out of good and not so good.
Dear readers: don’t fret for me – all will be well.
Beyond the clouds the sun shines. In the temporary greyness there exists the proverbial silver lining…
Yet, I struggle, off and on, with few and many things, and I am unsure which of the perpetrators impedes my writing but something prevents me from putting my words to paper. There are no shortage of thoughts and ideas as they come swirling to me in teasing fashion. It’s like knowing what’s good for you yet making a bad decision – loving the bad boy instead of looking to the boy next door. There is comfort in the familiar and sanity in the sameness.
There are no lack of dreams as they harbor their details within my heart and soul, anchored safely until such time I cast them forth from my deep shores. There is desire but not motive. I avoid my journal and have for some time despite my promise – guessing I just need time and things will resume. Not as they once were, but in some other way which I presume will be in due course. My work in progress calls to me and my muse has taken up dancing to amuse herself until I listen to her beckoning call – it reassures me to know these things await me for they are the very core of me and I would not live long without them… I go on and there is so much going on that one would wonder when writing might be practiced upon. I sleep and dream of other worlds where time and money are not necessary and I could take my days upon the balcony in sunshine with coffee cup and pen in hand. I meet with my past to partake in earnest discussion, attempting to deal with things that have not lasted wondering where the time has gone and what the future might hold in store. I ponder life and the hand it deals to each of us and how we play the cards expecting certain outcomes yet taking chances with our luck. We push it, count it, destroy it, and call for more when prompted. There is so much push and pull – yin and yang – coming and going… I love my job yet hate decisions I cannot change. I love my company yet want to be there more and can’t. I want to move on but I am weighted to this spot. I want to write but other commitments come to be number one even though recent heartfelt council revealed commitments to me are what I lack and they are to be number one if I am to heal. I desire better health but don’t or can’t make the changes; I am alone and enjoy my oneness yet I am lonely; I am pleased with what I have and who I have become in most ways yet I am not happy. Rather, I don’t feel happiness – sometimes there is nothingness and it is so hard to explain, yet alone reason its existence. There is so much to do and so far to go. I need to work on allowing myself to be happy without guilt or excuse. I need to define what my happiness looks like and make the changes necessary to get there. There is little time to waste on ill will and an unhappy heart.
A great big thank you to www.mandyevebarnett.com – an awesome blogger and personal friend. Thank you for nominating me for this award and I am proud to be a part of this online family of WordPress writers. It never ceases to amaze me how many fellow writers/authors/bloggers are out there ready to connect, share, and promote the “writing life.” I hope you enjoy my blog and please check out Mandy’s for some great writing tips and links.
Now to the rules of this award as shared by the previous recipient: 1. Display the award logo on your blog. 2. Link back to the person who nominated you. 3. Nominate 10 others you see as having an impact on your WordPress experience and family. 4. Let your 10 Family members know you have awarded them. 5. That is it. Just please pick 10 people who have taken you as a friend and spread the love.
Remember, keep on writing and making a positive connection throughout our word world.
All have contributed to my blogging experience and my writing life. Thank you!
Well – here I am back and still in one piece as I expected all along but you can never be sure of the after and continuing effects of internal suffering. Despite the circle of friends and family, it is who I am – one who enjoys the solitude and can live in the company of my own company. For a writer, this is a desirable quality – for someone dealing with the 6 month anniversary of a beloved’s death, it is or isn’t the best thing, depending upon the person. For me, my focus on my novel and a renewed effort to get it finished and published THIS year is the catalyst. Now, to explain, I have published 2 EBooks in the past 6 months and I have written 2 others through the 2009 and 2010 NaNoWriMo craziness – both in editing and review – however, my real baby needs to grow up and get a life. An Elizabethan Affair has been long held, personally admired, and very much loved WIP but it’s time to share it with the world. The significance of the year for release is one of magical proponents because of the cosmic relation to the years in the book – 1591, 1991 and 2013… as I discovered through a Google search, is of the common years beginning with January 1st on a Tuesday… I did plan some of the details in the book to fall upon the actual historical dates on record but imagine my surprise when checking the dates in the month to secure a believable time line! They were the very same in my present and past novel settings… that it matches with 2013 is totally freaky and just confirms the synchronicity of it all. By the way, if you haven’t gathered from the inference – it is a historical time travel romance
So seize the day. So will I~
O mistress mine, where are you roaming?
O stay and hear! your true-love’s coming
That can sing both high and low;
Trip no further, pretty sweeting,
Journey’s end in lovers’ meeting–
Every wise man’s son doth know.
What is love? ’tis not hereafter;
Present mirth hath present laughter;
What’s to come is still unsure:
In delay there lies no plenty,–
Then come kiss me, Sweet and twenty,
Youth’s a stuff will not endure.
~ William Shakespeare