Tag Archives: alone

Smoke, Heat & Memories

The day has me distracted. I try to remain focused on my job and the work I need to do. It has nothing to do with being Monday. It’s not because I had a tiresome weekend nor am fatigued or overly pained. It is not because I am eager to get back to the work on my company projects. It’s not because I have an upcoming trip planned and am looking forward to hitting the road. It is merely to do with the date and something I have in mind that I need to write. It’s a good feeling – that need to write, and even if the thought that started this is internally sad it is not a sorrowful post. Quite the contrary, and I always give in to the urges when they are this strong.

This past weekend was marked by a special event – the marriage of two wonderful people who I am proud to call friends. They both looked amazing and the ceremony was inspiring despite the heat and smoke – it was an outdoor wedding so both elements played a significant role in comfort. Even bringing the party into the shelter of the nearby community hall for the reception didn’t reduce the sweat factor. I am sure everyone dropped a few pounds that day…

Robyn and Joe

I am happy to have a beautiful event mark this weekend in my memories. It is not that new events ever mask or replace old memories that might have marked the days, but it is nice to have rejuvenation to the ones that marred the memory banks. July 13th, 3 years ago, was a day congested with heat and smoke in the air – I won’t forget it. It was a day I found out something that changed lives forever. Changes, whether good or bad, have an effect on one’s life journey. Sometimes it means you go it alone. Other times, it means you have someone to share it.

Best of luck and lots of love on your life’s journey – Robyn and Joe – July 11, 2015

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Filed under On Life, On Thinking

Day 4 – Catering to the Lazy Artist

Easter Long Weekend 2014 Blog Pictorial – continued…

Fresh air and exploration takes it out of you – or, perhaps, it’s that feeling of satisfaction that just keeps you rooted to one spot – a happy, inspiring spot made for self-reflection and creativity. The camera was quiet today although the mind’s eye was a flicker with all the images snapped and transferred over the course of Day 2 and Day 3. Had I not found the horses yesterday, I would have been more eager to go out today – to seek and to find, confirming for myself that I could see them how they are, free, in nature. Had I not found the band I did, I would have had to go forth in order to fulfill my sense of holiday destiny.

If I had arrived Friday, I would have been moving on today, but the delay had a way of working out in the end especially when things are relaxed and flexible. Three days at “A Bed in Heaven” really was relaxing and desired. The weather held nicely today although the wind was cool at times, but in all reality, there is still snow on the ridges and hillsides nearby, in the fields and in the shadows – the breeze whispers chilling messages as it grasps the cold and flows by…  in its windy way, it asks me what I discovered on my journey. How can express my appreciation and gratitude for this opportunity? As I write, it is calm now and the sun’s warmth feels heavenly upon me as I sit on the deck outside my room.

I discovered, as I have known for many years, I am good on my own, with more than enough interests to keep me busy, entertained, and occupied. That does not mean I am alone, nor do I want to be for any length of time – I want to be in love and I want to care about people – I deserve those who love and care about me. It’s really like the saying: the greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. This… truly, has always been my quest.

I discovered that although I like to think I could go back to the ways of the world before the Internet and advanced communications, I don’t believe I could and don’t care to… there is just too much connectedness with my work and my networks through it to give it up completely. I have my lap top with me. I admit… I watched some TV. I checked emails and I posted to Facebook and to my blog. I could not text or phone, however… so it was quiet in a way that it isn’t when I am home. We are, though, bound to the limits of the technology itself. When there is no reception, no hook-ups, no way to connect… it doesn’t matter what you want or desire.

I discovered I am only limited by my own fears and insecurities – this is nothing to do with being loved, not about having friends or others around, not about jobs or work or money – but just about living without fear of what might happen. I keep to the path and stay safe. I know my limits and won’t push for more. I am contented with my journey – is it as exciting and adventurous as some? No. But it’s mine and I take it as I please. Because you step out of your comfort zone your mind tends to focus on the things you don’t know and cannot see – a cougar stalking you, coming across the path of a bear. In the wild, these things are my fears and tend to keep me tame in my quest. Again, with someone along for the hike, it might be a different story, but why put oneself in harm’s way, just because you can. I can treasure my memories because, for the most part, they are not marred by incident. Yesterday’s issue reminded me of being 23 and so wrapped up in my own little world, lost in a stranger’s arms, that it panicked a travel companion to the point of reporting me missing. I never wanted to be that person again – it leads me to believe you cannot ever be free without someone standing there with your bridle and reins, saying, “Dammit, where is she?”

Some general impressions of my Easter long weekend journey:

  • Why must some people throw cans and other garbage to the road side?
  • Why do some drivers of trucks have to drive so fast?
  • Why do those in a hurry travel the road less taken?
  • To some people, horses make a mess… really?
  • The numbers of wildies don’t warrant such opposition – less than a thousand animals? There is so much country out there – really?
  • The tallest of towers does not provide reception amongst the tallest of trees and the tallest of mountains.
  • My hosts at the B&B are amazing people.
  • I take too many pictures!! Good thing this is the digital age and not 32 mm film!! (Regarding my comment above about the camera being quiet… I just downloaded 42 pictures… and I didn’t even leave the deck…)
  • I see pictures in everything – except people – why is that? (My biggest regret was not having a recent picture of my mother – yet I still neglect the subject of people, for the most part.)
  • You can pack all the fruit and vegetables and cheese and nuts you want… I feel like I am going to eat a gazillion hamburgers upon my return.
  • As much as it would have been nice to have someone else along for the ride, I did do this thing for someone special… me!

Oh, yes… the lazy artist thing… well, I don’t think I was lazy at all. I only slept until 8:00. I worked on some editing. I read through and plotted the illustrations for two stories I am working on with one of my DWP authors. I wrote and posted 4 blogs so far. And I took a gazillion photos. I did not put any miles on the car today and plan to be up and out early tomorrow morning. I haven’t decided my return route but I like a road I have not taken before… or I could return the same way. Thinking like a wild horse… that’s the power of freedom.

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Filed under On Dreaming, On Life

A Note to the Empty Page

“Writing is a struggle against silence.” ~ Carlos Fuentes

I sit here, my expression as blank as the sprawling white before me… the emptiness that has haunted my nights for the past month yawns into an abyss of never ending eternity. Words dance before my eyes and tease my mind yet refuse to get in line and flow with creative verbosity onto the page… instead, they hide in crevices created by life stresses and soon an overwhelming desire tempts me to just walk away. I am here and there, back and forth, up and down – every which way but clichéd loose… So many good ideas want to be at the top of the list yet I am loathe to let them creep there in case I lose myself in them and neglect some other duty or responsibility. But in refusing to accept their inevitability, I fight them and, alas, get nothing constructive done.

I could write about my week and my accomplishments and in that I might find comfort. The places I have been and yet others I could not go. I could write about the joys which filled me yet falter with an explanation about how I don’t feel fulfilled; I could share the happy times had with friends and the meeting of other wonderful people yet true happiness eludes me; I could recall the loving memories and haunting pasts revisited; I could admit I am trying to do too much – tongue in cheek – as I hold my hand out to take more; I could smile through tears and boldly stride ahead despite my fears.

There is no need to worry – for in me is the strength to move forward despite the weight of emotional baggage. I am here. Through all these things there winds a common thread upon the silver lining of hope: I feel, therefore, I live.

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Filed under On Life, On Writing

Love Your Own Company

It is said that the writer’s life is a lonely life with the action and process of writing such a solitary activity… alone with one’s thoughts, just a paper and pen and the urge to create which is fostered by that same state of oneness that might succumb the social butterfly to tears.

Alone, however, is not loneliness – therein lies the difference. A writer seeks solitude and quiet in order to be alone with one’s thoughts and ideas, to lessen the distractions and increase the propensity to create. Nothing inspires me more on a Sunday afternoon than a quiet house – no phones ringing, no needless discussions, not even music – for I find solitude in the calm and quiet and welcome it to such a degree that my social calendar suffers. I do love people and have many whom I enjoy sharing time. I get out and touch base with reality on a regular basis because I work full time and have appointments, meetings and obligations that I must meet … but sometimes I prefer to avoid the crowds, the noise and the whole process of “going out.”

I would never get bored just staying in, writing… taking a break to watch a movie or read a book or magazine; sitting back with a cup of coffee, tea or a glass of wine and just the occasional nudge from my cat for a little attention. Throw in a wondrous view from large window to welcome the sunshine  and a warm snuggly blanket and – well, you have a perfect setting.

I could sit and write, think and dream to my heart’s content all in the company of … me. For I would not interrupt me, distract me or try to discourage me from doing what I love. I might get sidetracked for a moment or two, perhaps because I strayed too long into the dreaming… but eventually I would wonder enough and wander back to the page. Great things come from minds not forced and prodded and poked… great things come from minds just let loose – allowed to be free to create.

Differences in a writer’s life reflect along the same lines as their personality traits – there are those who fuel themselves by meeting with people for a little time then retreat to produce for a long while alone; there are those who must meet with others on a much longer basis in order to refuel enough to spend a little time alone. Whatever your pattern, be happy with the time you get to yourself whether taken and planned or by accident – use this time to be the writer you are.

Love your own company and keep on writing.

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Filed under On Dreaming, On Life, On Thinking, On Writing

Internal debate

roses coffee cup and keyboardOne of my favorite places – at the keyboard with my cup of coffee. There, possibilities open up and I am no longer alone. It is comforting; it is company; it is comfortable – but only if I keep my mind on the blank paper ahead.

If I let it wander into the crowded memories and clouded judgment of yesterday, it no longer gives me comfort for I realize that I am alone.  Here, I sit, wrapped up in tales of today waiting for the once upon a time of days gone by.  I recall the things that made me happy and even chance upon the feelings of things not so…and wonder if they might chance my way again, the happiness not the pain.  I know, it happens when you least expect it, therefore, it is the waiting and trying not to expect that partners with self-doubt and pity making the time until then, unbearable.

Although this drives me to sadness, this kind of pain I can carry – it is the weakness of my body that will not allow me strength to carry more.  I am unsure at this point what is the next step…I just know there has to be one or movement, let alone steps, will be unbearable as well. It is not that I am wrapped in total unhappiness. I have so much more than some – a good job, loving family and friends, my mind. It just hurts to think that a young, spirited being is caged. That’s the way I feel – caged. I’m looking out upon what I would like to be and what I would like to do without the means to do it. Yes, you say, get on with it and just do it.

Believe me, I am trying.

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Filed under On Life, On Writing