I think that the power is in the principle. The principle of moving forward, as though you have the confidence to move forward, eventually gives you confidence when you look back and see what you’ve done. ~ Robert Downey Jr.
I write this and want the focus on my direction to be different (outlook positive) – I want to look back and see what I’ve done and had, not what I’ve neglected, or lost (accepting limits and cherishing memories). I want my writing to go somewhere and mean something more. I want my life and my writing journey to encompass all these principles in a confident manner. I write this while I am feeling control and lucidity and not overwrought with my inevitable emotions. Why? I guess I just want to prove to myself that in me exists the ability and strength to continue, no matter what – move forward, so to speak. I understand and accept that my life as it was will never be the same but that does not mean it is a bad life. I am loath to say it will get better. But it could, right? People tell me things will get better and time is the factor. Things happen and we question their relevance (the what), we question their timing (why now), we question their reason (just why, why) and, in dealing, we look to those things that are supposed to give us comfort. If they are things (or people) we hold dear, they certainly will provide some kind of comfort, yet they cannot give us the answers we may seek. It is almost impossible to verbalize what it is I want to say for I know in my heart the answers are not there, at least, in any way I want to hear. Finality is hard to deal with…
Grief on this level is new to me. My maternal great-grandmother died when I was in high school during the early ‘70s. We weren’t even allowed to go to the service and/or funeral but I remember my sadness as I walked home in tears from the tennis court having been delivered the news. My maternal grandmother died in the mid-‘90s and by then I was a single working mom – it is a more vivid memory because I said a tearful good-bye to her at the viewing before the cremation, but, then again, only remember vaguely the service and reception to follow. By that time we weren’t really close to all the relatives we grew up with so distance allowed a certain separation from heart and emotion to build. Relatives died, for whom I felt sadness in their passing, but because of the distance there was nowhere the devastation of a loss of this magnitude. I have not really attended a lot of funerals and only one other graveside interment – that of a child. (To me, the loss of a child is/would be a whole different grief.)
The reality of life is that we eventually die. You don’t have to believe in anything big and ominous, or unknown, to know this is the course of our direction upon earth. It’s part of life, albeit, a part that sucks. Belief in faith of a hereafter does not diminish the finality of death, in the here and now. It might ease the passing to know you are going to something better but it does not lessen the grief in those left behind. My mom believed in God and was incensed by my declaration of being an atheist ~ she wished I would believed, prayed I would believe ~ I believe I am safe and what I am because of her prayers. But I tried and could not find salvation in that attempt. I truly believe in something and I believe in my mom. Her acceptance of all that is me is something I will always hold dear. I know she didn’t like some of my choices but in the last few years a change was evident – she accepted what was and who I’d become.
I write because I must. I write because I believe in the power of the written word. In my words I will find strength, I have confidence and I have the will to move forward. Sometimes… I might just cover my head and cocoon, but don’t worry ~ I’ll be back soon.