Internal debate

roses coffee cup and keyboardOne of my favorite places – at the keyboard with my cup of coffee. There, possibilities open up and I am no longer alone. It is comforting; it is company; it is comfortable – but only if I keep my mind on the blank paper ahead.

If I let it wander into the crowded memories and clouded judgment of yesterday, it no longer gives me comfort for I realize that I am alone.  Here, I sit, wrapped up in tales of today waiting for the once upon a time of days gone by.  I recall the things that made me happy and even chance upon the feelings of things not so…and wonder if they might chance my way again, the happiness not the pain.  I know, it happens when you least expect it, therefore, it is the waiting and trying not to expect that partners with self-doubt and pity making the time until then, unbearable.

Although this drives me to sadness, this kind of pain I can carry – it is the weakness of my body that will not allow me strength to carry more.  I am unsure at this point what is the next step…I just know there has to be one or movement, let alone steps, will be unbearable as well. It is not that I am wrapped in total unhappiness. I have so much more than some – a good job, loving family and friends, my mind. It just hurts to think that a young, spirited being is caged. That’s the way I feel – caged. I’m looking out upon what I would like to be and what I would like to do without the means to do it. Yes, you say, get on with it and just do it.

Believe me, I am trying.


2 thoughts on “Internal debate

  1. Twilla Boyce

    This is such an emotive picture! I absolutely love it. I think it is the perfect representation of you and what you are feeling during this stage. Know that I love you and want nothing more than for you to find true happiness. You are such a special person. Don’t forget to love yourself 🙂

    1. wildhorse33

      You know I value each and every thing you say to me, taking it to heart and filing it somewhere in my mind’s cabinet of memories. I try to remember to write each time I journal that I am worth the effort and will find what it is I am looking for. My heart knows it’s out there even if my mind plays tricks on me. Having friends like you makes it worth the search and a reason to be here. Thank you, always.

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